Exploring the Diversity of Non-monogamy: A Personalized Journey
In the ever-evolving landscape of relationships, non-monogamy has emerged as an alternative model that challenges traditional norms. Many people in traditional monogamous relationships find themselves disillusioned by societal expectations, the misalignment of their relationship values, and the diminishment of their full expression, leading them to question traditional notions of exclusivity. Other people are drawn, to the possibilities of the emotional and sexual fulfillment to which non-monogamy alludes. Regardless of the original spark that leads people to explore non-monogamy, either on their own or with their current partner, many people are unsure of which actions to take to begin their journey and face a daunting amount of questions.
How many people can I really date? Can my current relationship survive this transition? Will I ever understand what a kitchen table has to do with dating?
The short answers are: It’s up to you, it’s up to both of you, and probably everyone at the kitchen table. I’ll explain more about kitchen table polyamory later in this article! At its essence, non-monogamy is something that can ebb and flow with the structures of relationships. When I first started expressing my relationship style through the format of non-monogamy, I found that different orientations were needed for both the personalities of the people that I was seeing and the specific events that were happening in my life at the time. This meant that sometimes I dated more people, sometimes I dated less. Sometimes my relationships survived the transitions, sometimes they didn’t. And sometimes I found fulfillment through kitchen table polyamory and sometimes it caused more harm on my nervous system than good. The one thing that remained constant throughout all the relationship changes in my life was committing to myself and my partner(s) to have ongoing conversations about how we were feeling about the current structure of our relationship(s) and what our evolving needs were.
Through this framework of committing to communicating about our needs, I learned a lot about the different relationship structures within non-monogamy. Today, when clients come to me with curiosity about non-monogamy, I share with them my belief that non-monogamy is not a “one-size-fits-all” adventure. There is no perfect structure and, even though much of the literature out there tends to be subtly biased towards one form or another (i.e. hierarchical or non-hierarchical), it’s really up to you and your partner(s) to decide what works best for you at this particular time of your lives.
There is more than one type of monogamy?
The rest of this blog explores the diverse world of non-monogamy, but before we can dive into that we must first understand the various types of monogamy. There are three biologically coded types of monogamy: social monogamy, sexual monogamy, and genetic monogamy. Social monogamy refers to living and legal arrangements, like cohabitation or marriage. Sexual monogamy - well, as we all know - means only ever f*cking your boo. And genetic monogamy means having one partner you have children with - in other words, reproducing your DNA with that one person. Modern American society often lumps these three expressions of monogamy into one umbrella term: Monogamy (with a capital M). We marry our partner, we only have sex with our partner, and we only ever have children with this same partner. However, separating out these types of monogamy is helpful for understanding the different types of non-monogamy that can be expressed through a relationship structure. Non-monogamy can include any combination of openness or exclusiveness in each of these three categories. It all just depends on you and your partner(s) preferences!
And now for non-monogamy…
At the heart of non-monogamy is the understanding that love, connection, and the way we express both can take various forms. The key there is “the way we express” both - I do want to add that a healthy monogamous relationship can include the understanding that love and connections are diverse, though often the expression of that diversity will be exclusively shared with one partner. Additionally, I want to note that there are many, and I mean many(!) ways to express yourself through a non-monogamous container. One of the most comprehensive maps of non-monogamy was developed by Franklin Veaux and recently updated in 2017. This map, linked here, is a conceptual framework that visually represents various relationship styles and structures within the realm of consensual non-monogamy. For this purpose of this blog article, I will only elaborate on a few of the most common types of non-monogamy that I am often asked about.
Just to clear up some confusion that might come up: polyamory and non-monogamy are often used interchangeably, but they represent distinct approaches to multiple relationships. Polyamory refers to the practice of engaging in multiple, consensual, and emotionally connected romantic or sexual relationships simultaneously. It emphasizes the potential for deep emotional connections with multiple partners and often involves a sense of commitment to each relationship. Non-monogamy, on the other hand, is a broader umbrella term encompassing any form of intimate involvement with more than one person at a time. As learned in our exploration of the types of monogamy, not all non-monogamous relationships involve emotional connections or commitment. Non-monogamy can encompass various relationship styles, including open relationships, swinging, and casual dating without the expectation of exclusivity. In essence, polyamory is a specific form of consensual non-monogamy that prioritizes emotional connections and commitment within multiple relationships. I’ll be honest, as a demi-sexual, it took me years before I fully understood this difference!
So here we go:
Hierarchical Polyamory: Navigating Commitment Levels
One prevalent format within the realm of polyamory is hierarchical polyamory. This structure involves establishing primary and secondary relationships with varying degrees of commitment. In a hierarchical model, individuals may have a primary partner with whom they share deeper emotional and practical connections, while secondary relationships may involve a different level of involvement. This format provides a clear framework for navigating multiple relationships and offers a sense of structure for those who find comfort in defined roles.
Solo Polyamory: Embracing Autonomy
Solo polyamory takes a departure from traditional relationship structures by prioritizing autonomy and independence. In this format, individuals engage in multiple relationships without establishing a primary partner. You are your primary relationship! The emphasis is on maintaining individual freedom and agency while fostering meaningful connections with multiple partners. Solo polyamory challenges societal expectations around monogamy and highlights the importance of personal growth within the context of diverse relationships.
Kitchen Table Polyamory: Creating Community and Transparency
For those seeking open communication and connection among all partners involved, kitchen table polyamory offers a unique approach. This format encourages partners to engage in a communal setting, fostering transparency and a sense of community. In a kitchen table polyamorous dynamic, individuals and their partners come together to share experiences, discuss boundaries, and collectively navigate the complexities of multiple relationships. This format emphasizes the importance of creating a supportive and inclusive environment for everyone involved.
Polyfidelity: Exclusive Commitment in a Polyamorous Context
Polyfidelity combines elements of exclusivity and commitment within a larger polyamorous dynamic. In this format, multiple individuals commit exclusively to each other, resembling a monogamous structure within a polyamorous context. Polyfidelity challenges the traditional notion that polyamory is inherently non-exclusive, showcasing the diversity of commitment levels that can coexist within alternative relationship models. I have also heard this term described more colloquially as a “poly-pod.”
Relationship Anarchy: Challenging Traditional Hierarchies
Relationship anarchy is a departure from traditional relationship hierarchies, emphasizing the importance of individual connections and agreements. In this format, individuals reject predefined roles and structures, allowing relationships to evolve organically based on personal desires and mutual consent. Relationship anarchists prioritize autonomy, consent, and communication, creating a framework that encourages the fluidity of connections. If you choose to engage in relationship anarchy, you might find you and your partner(s) are in a higher state of relationship structure fluidity and flux.
Swinging: Exploring Recreational Sex and Partner Swapping
Swinging represents a unique facet of non-monogamy focused on recreational sex and consensual partner swapping within a committed relationship. Couples or individuals who engage in swinging do so for pleasure and exploration, often participating in social events or clubs where like-minded individuals gather. The swinging lifestyle highlights the consensual and recreational aspects of non-monogamy, showcasing the diverse ways individuals choose to express their sexuality within committed partnerships.
Monogamish: Blending Monogamy and Nonmonogamy
For those seeking a balance between monogamy and nonmonogamy, the concept of "monogamish" has gained popularity. This format allows occasional outside connections while maintaining a primary partnership. The term was popularized by sex-advice columnist Dan Savage and reflects a more flexible approach to commitment. Monogamish couples prioritize open communication, consent, and the freedom to explore connections beyond the primary partnership while preserving the emotional foundation of monogamous commitment.
So, back to you and your love life.
Essentially, craft a relationship that resonates with you and your partner(s).
In the realm of non-monogamy, the diversity of relationship formats reflects the dynamic and evolving nature of human connections. The freedom to shape relationships according to the needs of you and your partner(s) is a cornerstone of these alternative models.
Ultimately, non-monogamy is not about fitting into societal expectations or into any of the frameworks listed above, but about embracing the freedom to craft relationships that reflect the uniqueness of each connection. Wherever I am on the spectrum of non-monogamy to monogamy with my partner(s), I want each of us to feel like we are connecting authentically to ourselves and to each other while deeply caring about the hearts we are holding. I wish the same for you and whoever you are with or considering being with at the time you are reading this article. By celebrating the richness of diverse relationship formats, the expression of non-monogamy and monogamy and the freedom of the fluid journey between the two can be a testament to the ever-expanding possibilities of love and the human experience.
